


Self Therapy

by AmberEyedLover



Category: Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Alone, Christmas., Illness, Isolation, M/M, New York, Other, Theapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:46:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberEyedLover/pseuds/AmberEyedLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘’I have to fill that space…I keep telling myself to fill that space yet I never do’’ Taking a sip from my beer I frowned at the wall slightly, ‘’But what do you fill a blank spot with when the blank spot has been there for so long? I mean wouldn’t filling it be like adding a tattoo to your body again? Once it is there its always going to be there unless you get treatment to move it again but even after its gone, you know it had been there and you could almost picture it being there again, so what would fill the space…’’</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Therapy

‘’It’s strange how someone can be there one moment and then the next moment is gone. You don’t really think about the in between, the space of a few seconds which it takes a person to just disappear, out of your life for minutes, hours, days, years and even forever sometimes, it…it’s just weird really when you think about it’’ 

The silence greeted my words like a blanket wrapped in warmth as I finished talking and I filled it with a loud sigh before I stood up and walked out of the bedroom where I had been talking to my reflection in the mirror and headed in to the kitchen where I pulled a beer out the fridge and settled down in the lounge, spread out on the couch as my eyes fixed themselves on to the blank wall across from it.

‘’I have to fill that space…I keep telling myself to fill that space yet I never do’’ Taking a sip from my beer I frowned at the wall slightly, ‘’But what do you fill a blank spot with when the blank spot has been there for so long? I mean wouldn’t filling it be like adding a tattoo to your body again? Once it is there its always going to be there unless you get treatment to move it again but even after its gone, you know it had been there and you could almost picture it being there again, so what would fill the space…’’ Trailing off in to silence again, I shook my head and placed the bottle on to the coffee table and stood before walking to the hallway and quickly pulled on a thick coat and scarf as I stepped in to some comfortable boots.

Stepping out in to the cold hallway, I breathed out slightly and watched as my breath fogged up before I locked the apartment door, ‘’Not even outside and its cold’’ I muttered to myself before I turned, my eyes meeting that of the older lady who lived down the hall, a smile on her lips before she chuckled.  
‘’I agree with you son, its going to be even colder if more snow falls so make sure you wrap up warm’’ She told me before I nodded with a soft smile. ‘’And be careful when you leave, there’s a patch of ice just outside the door which hasn’t been gritted yet’’  
‘’Thank you I will, and have a good evening ma’am’’ I told her before I turned and headed down to the lobby.

Pushing the door open, I shivered through my thick coat and scarf as the coldness quickly wrapped around me, stepping out, I slipped slightly before I laughed to myself and glanced about to see that no one was around.  
‘’You weren’t careful boy, too absorbed in the coldness to watch out for the ice Mrs. Jenkins told you about’’ I muttered to myself as I wrapped my scarf around my neck tighter and turned. Walking down the sidewalk, I couldn’t help but smile beneath the fabric at the view of it all, the Christmas lights glinting off the snow which was all around, the soft sound of music filling out of different shops and homes if a door was opened and closed.

‘’I may be alone in New York for this Christmas but California never looks like this’’ I huffed out to myself as I dug my hands in to my pockets, the tips of my fingers turning numb from the coldness, ‘’damn it, why did I lose my gloves for? They would’ve been perfect for tonight’’ I cursed at myself as I walked, snow softly starting to fall again as I glanced up towards the dark sky which also looked white at the same time as each flake fell. Turning my eyes back to the street again as I walked towards the store, I couldn’t help but think of back home and what might have been happening in the sun, a smile breaking out over my lips before I pushed it away as I entered the store.

‘’Good evening sir, is there anything I could help you with?’’ a clerk spoke out and I glanced up with a soft smile as I pulled my scarf away slightly.  
‘’Evening, um yeah, just wondering if you sold those packet things…you know like the one cup ones of hot chocolate?’’ I asked as he smiled and nodded,  
‘’Of course, if you would like to follow me, I will show you’’ He told me and I smiled gratefully, following him down a few aisles until he stopped, he smiled at me before pointing to which shelf.  
‘’Thanks’’ I told him as he nodded and walked away again, leaving me alone in the aisle staring at the packets.

‘’Now the real question is, what flavor chocolate do I want?’’ I asked myself as my eyes moved over them again before they settled on some of the pots, ‘’that will be better than one cup packets’’ I chuckled to myself as I walked over, picking a pot up, I looked at the flavor before placing it down again and picked up another of white chocolate, ‘’Mhmm, sounds perfect’’ I grinned as I picked another pot up and moved back through the store to the cashier and quickly paid for them.

Stepping back out in to the harsh coldness again, a shiver ran through my body as I started walking, my mind on the blank space in the apartment. ‘’What can I put there?’’ I asked myself as I carried on walking, every so often my eyes glanced up before I stopped outside a store and stared in to the window, my reflection slight on the glass. ‘’That’s perfect for the space’’ I told the reflection before I stepped down a few more strides and entered the store.

 

Ten minutes later, I found myself walking back through the snow filled streets, a bag of hot chocolate powder in one hand and another bag in the other until I reached the apartments again, walking over the icy path carefully this time, I entered the lobby and quickly headed up to the place I called my home where I fumbled with my keys, numb fingers slipping on the cold metal until I got the door unlocked and stepped inside.

‘’Boots of’’ I reminded myself as I went to walk in to the lounge and kitchen, pausing, I place the bags against the wall carefully before I slipped my coat and scarf up, placing them back on the hook before I quickly took my boots and placed them by the door again.  
Taking the bags in to the kitchen, I placed them on the side before I went in search for a few nails and a hammer which I found under the sink, ‘’Perfect’’ I muttered out as I grabbed the bag and walked over to the lounge and blank wall, my eyes moving between the two with a smile as I dropped the bag on to the chair and started to hit the nails in to the wall.

A few hours later, I curled up on the couch, a Christmas movie playing on whatever channel I had left the TV on, a cup of chocolate wrapped in my hands as I sipped at it.  
‘’Just because im not home for Christmas doesn’t mean I can’t have a bit of home here with me’’ I grinned to myself.

.o0o.

‘’Don’t think anyone is travelling today little one’’ I said softly as I carefully tipped some more water in to the small potted plant which sat on the window sill of the lounge, my eyes watching out the window at the white city below. ‘’I know for sure that I wouldn’t be going out in this weather again for a few more days’’ I told myself as I placed the water jug down and sighed softly, my breath fogging the window up before I turned and headed back towards the couch.

Settling back down under the covers which I had made a warm nest with, I pulled them back around and picked the hot chocolate up again and smiled to myself as I looked towards the now filled wall.  
‘’I wonder what they are doing’’ I asked the room before I sipped at my drink again and settled back, my eyes flicking across the large canvas which filled the wall, the set of fairy lights which I had draped around it made the state outline shine brightly, the images around it standing out as I smiled.

‘’Hello’’ I asked as my phone rang and I reached over and picked it up again, a smile filling out over my face as I heard my mom’s voice. ‘’Merry Christmas to you too’’ I told her as I wiggled further down in to my nest and sipped at the hot drink, ‘’No, no Im okay…yes im alone but its okay, its helping’’ I told her before I smiled again.  
‘’Mom, guess what I brought a few days ago’’ I told her excitedly before she laughed and asked what it was, ‘’well I went to the store because I wanted to get some hot chocolate as its really cold here, the snow makes the city look so beautiful, I wish you were here to see it too….oh yeah sorry mom’’ I laughed softly, ‘’well on the way home again, I saw this canvas in the window and I knew I just had to buy it mom, it’s the state’s outline of home and it has a little star over LA and then there’s little dots around over the smaller city’s again including Burbank and the Hollywood hills’’ I told her with excitement in my voice again as she chuckled.  ‘’And around it is different pictures of around California, oh mom I just fell in love with it when I saw it’’ I sighed out softly. ‘’Oh yeah I understand, tell them that I said Merry Christmas too wont you when they come around…that?’’ I asked as I leaned forward and placed my empty cup back on the table and turned to look towards the window, ‘’its going good actually’’ I told her softly, ‘’the therapist has told me to actually talk to myself to help and it does, I know it sounds strange mom but it stops the voices in my mind and I don’t angry anymore and…and I’ve met this cute guy’’ I told her with a large grin as my eyes moved up to the plant, ‘’he is in the same class…yes mom he’s cute’’ laughing softly I brought my thumb up and chewed on my nail softly before mom told me that she had to go, ‘’I’ll see you soon mom, I promise to come home’’ Finishing up the conversation with her, I placed my phone back on the table and stood again.

‘’Well my little one, it’s just you and me again’’ I told the plant as I walked over and lightly touched my fingertips against the leaves as my eyes moved up to the window and stared out of it at the dark sky being lit up by the many building lights and snow.

‘’Oh Merry Christmas too…I nearly forgot to give you your own present’’ I told it as I turned and grabbed the bag which was sat on the floor, picking it up, I smiled to myself and started to slowly unwrap the paper before I picked the pot up and held it out to them, ‘’So what do you think? I’ve had it for a while now and I know you guys are starting to outgrow this pot your in now and the colors wont clash anymore’’ I smiled as I set it down and started to change them over.

‘’there we go my babies, welcome home’’ I laughed out to myself as I looked down at my dirty hands, screwing my face up slightly I breathed out slightly and bit my lip before I headed in to the bathroom and used my elbows to turn the tap on.

‘’That’s better, moving is dirty business, got to go careful not to get so messy next time’’ I muttered to myself as I scrubbed my hands over each other until the water was running clean again. ‘’Towel…now where did that go?’’ I asked as I turned around and found it. Drying my hands off, I headed back out in the lounge again and looked around, everything seemed perfect.

‘’I don’t see why people always want to be with someone on Christmas, being alone is so much more magical’’ I whispered out to myself with a smile as I walked back to my nest of blankets on the couch and settled back down under them again, my eyes on the silent TV before I picked the controller up and turned the movies on.

‘’Who can that be?’’ I asked myself as a knock sounded out on the apartment door about an hour and half later, turning I muted my TV and looked towards the door as it sounded out again and I looked towards the clock, ‘’It’s gone 11 at night, who is silly enough to go out in this weather?’’ I chuckled to myself as I untangled myself from the covers and picked another one up and wrapped it around me as I walked towards the door and started to unlock it.

‘’You…but what…why are you here?’’ I asked surprised but a smile spread over my lips as he smiled,  
‘’Thought I would come say Merry Christmas and offer you some company’’ He told me as I opened the door a little more, ‘’that is okay with you isn’t it Tommy?’’ He asked. Laughing softly, I nodded and stepped away, opening my safe haven for the first time to another man.


End file.
